LoveHater... Hater of Love


I know me. There are things that I do that I know are simply ridiculous but I still do it. They say the first step of recovery is acceptance, I accept the fact that I can be a loon at times. I'll explain:
When I like someone, I experience three tiers of emotion: (1) Excitement... new guy, new conversations, it's exciting to meet someone new and see if they are cool enough to kick it with. I'll talk about him all the time to my friends and give them a blow by blow of every conversation. (2) Denial (of the crush): My old roommate calls this bi-polar intimacy (she's brilliant), reminiscent of the days when little boys would dip a girls pig tails in ink, this is the part where I totally deny the fact that I ever met this person. I am annoyed if anyone asks me about this person and I unfortunately treat the natural progression of this potential relationships as the flu. I feel myself changing as it begins to take over, though it's obvious to everyone around me, I'm irritated that I'm being that obvious and deny everything; I am distracted and stare off into space like a nut, and I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me, rolling my eyes with a here-we-go-again attitude; I'm cranky and annoyed with my self...Crazy, right? People bask in the glory of crushes and things of that nature while I'm mad and thinking of what I could have done to prevent it. I am eventually worn down and I allow it do it's thing (3) Acceptance: I am once again speaking about this person and admit that I liked them before. It's now supercharged into an obsession and I'm once again running off at the head to my friends: Oh! So-and-so loves that song, too! Oh, So-and-so is allergic to that! Oh, So-and-so hated that movie! I know that my friends could care less about what he ate for breakfast or his mother's maiden name but I can't help but share.
I know this stems from my obsession with control, not over others, but more of myself. I hate the inevitability of things; my inability to change things that are going to happen anyway. Love is a wonderful thing, my beef is the fact I can't control all of it; my only comfort is knowing I can control my actions... you can't always control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Ahh, control is my cigarette, when I have it, I can sigh, relax, and know that everything is okay...